When I went to the midwives for our 20 week appointment I was ready to tell them I wanted to have you today, July 21st, on your due date. I know people say, let the baby come when it's ready, but I knew I'd be ready and I wanted your big brothers to have some time with you before they head out to camp on Sunday.
Today looks different that what I expected 20 weeks ago. I knew today would be hard and I knew I would cry. I think of you in heaven, hopeful for the day I'll meet you. I think of when I held you, noticing your fingernails already on your little fingers. I wanted so badly to know which brother you'd look most like but in reality, I won't know your fully formed new body til we meet in heaven.
I knew today that grief would sneak up. I let myself be sad sometimes. I listened to songs that reminded me of those days in March when things were so incredibly hard. I think of how God carried me those days, how He interceded for me and how so many prayed for us. I think of how I believe you went to be with Jesus, one moment happily kicking inside of me and the next carried away into His arms.
We won't ever know why your life was so short. We won't ever stop missing you or wondering what life would have been like with you in it. I know this though, you taught me to trust God more. In the unknowns and the dark roads, I learned that God is still always faithful, always for us, always good.
Today I'm reminded that when babies leave us too soon we have two dates that will remind us of them, not one. I have today, your due date, and March 3rd the day I delivered you.
Thank you for teaching me so much Levi. Thank you God for the gift of life in my womb, though it was short. Thank you Lord for the hope of eternity, for reunion, for whole bodies, no more crying, no more tears.