I’ve been using a devotional over the past few weeks and today’s reading was on anger. It resonated with me more than I’d like to admit. In the past few weeks there have been a lot of emotions, and some I don‘t want to experience, let alone write about. They aren't always ones I'm expecting. What will people think? I’ll feel even more isolated or labeled if I share what’s going through my mind today. My friends will worry so I’ll just keep it to myself. Overall, I'm just so sad.
I‘m thankful for amazing midwives, a Biblical counselor, friends who keep checking in, books on suffering and yes, even podcasts that have reiterated time and time again, ”you’re not alone” and “what you’re feeling is normal.”
David in the Psalms cried out, “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 42:5
I relate a lot to those verses. I’ve never been here before. I’ve never had to sit in grief like this and it's shaping me. I think there’s a part of me who once was, and a me that is now. I'm walking through the most painful season of my life so far, and it's growing me.
I’m so thankful the Bible doesn’t hide crying out to God. We don't have a God who can't handle our cries, our anger, our many emotions. When I sit in church, tears, down my face, having a hard time singing, God is not shocked.
Last week our family saw the performance David by Sight and Sound and not surprisingly I shed a lot of tears. I'm thankful I was given the heads up that it would likely wreck me. I often find now I have to prepare myself for situations that once were routine. In the performance David often cries out to God and sings the psalms he wrote. Tears flowed as he sang Psalm 23 and I had to admit once again the heartache of our situation. Lord, you are my shepherd, but this road feels so sad, so hard. Why Lord are we taking this path? Can't you take a different route?
When we read Psalm 23 in good times it sounds nice. A picnic with the Lord down by a stream sounds lovely, right? But when our heart is raw it’s our true cry.
“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.” - Psalm 23:1-4
I could tear up just at verse one. But Lord, I’m lacking a baby in my arms. I thought I’d be feeling his kicks right now. My belly should be growing. Lord, I feel restless. The waters don’t seem quiet. Lord, I know you’re guiding me, but I feel sad and the way feels dark right now. Lord please, bring me your comfort.
We can come to God with our cries. He can not only handle it, but I believe there’s healing there too as we grow in our intimacy with God. Remember, there's no need to hide what we're feeling from the Lord who perceives all our thoughts from afar anyways, Psalm 139:1-6.
That's where I'm at in this process. Crying out. Literally crying. Telling myself like David did, "put your hope in God!" I'm trusting when I don't understand. Having a hard time and yet believing that His ways are perfect, He loves me, and He is close.