This whole challenge I've given myself to write more is quite the thing. I should be tucked into bed but instead I want to get some words out first.
We went strawberry picking today with our homeschool community. It was fun and beautiful and I spent most of the rest of the day washing strawberries and making strawberry ice cream. That's probably not what I'll remember most about today.
Perhaps what's more noteworthy about today is that I finished up counseling. I "finished" on my own terms, not theirs, and so that feels a bit momentous right now. In March if you told me how I'd feel in May I wouldn't have known. Grief still sneaks up on me when I least expect it. More often now when I know it's coming, things are still hard. Today I may have cried in Costco, but not in a way anyone else would have known. It was just a reminder moment that my body should still be pregnant, that I should be preparing for a baby, and that I'm not.
I feel like I'm taking steps forward, but there's no way a mother can forget her child. One of my sons still brings him up often and I'm glad for that. I'm glad I don't feel alone in the one remembering him or wanting to speak his name.
My counselor asked me today what I've learned through Levi's passing. The lessons are still coming, the knowledge perhaps not yet fully known. I have a deeper gratitude for life. I have a greater understanding of how short ours is here on earth. I understand that I may never know why this heartbreaking thing happened, but I know God has been with us. I know we have a heavenly Father who grieves with us, intercedes for us, and that this broken world was not His plan. I know that He's coming again and He wants all to know Him. I know I will see Levi again. I know life is short, but a breath, and so I want to make my moments here count.
Today I think I'll remember the good that came from carrying Levi and his short life. I didn't know him, but someday I will.